Settling a Restless Mind

Winter’s typically a rough time for me. The cold temperatures and shorter days make me restless, but also leave me plenty of time to stress over a full range of spontaneous and ridiculous thoughts. I lie awake at night trying to fall asleep, but these thoughts race through my mind and keep me up far longer than I want to be. I read somewhere, and by read I mean I heard, that it helps to write your thoughts down so that they have an outlet other than letting them reverberate in your mind. At first I thought this was poppycock, but that only left me thinking of more obscure synonyms for “nonsense” thus furthering the problems of my restless mind. The other options advised to me were to read a book (only kept me up longer from the intrigue of my book), watch TV (after midnight, even the worst shows in history are wildly entertaining – Yes, Dear and Mama’s Family to name a couple), try a glass of warm milk (this didn’t work because I am not 97 years old) or the oldest technique of counting sheep (not for me…nor should it be for anyone. People who seriously count sheep grew up in the 1940’s and wore actual nightcaps or currently are serial killers). At this point I figured I would try writing my thoughts down for one night and see if this actually helps ease the needless stress. Once I reviewed what I was writing down it was very clear to me: I have no real source of stress. I’m just an idiot. Here is just a sample:

  • Get online and check Meatloaf’s tour dates already.
  • The Dunkin clerk asks me every morning if I want anything else besides my coffee. I say No, but the real answer is always “yes, all of your donuts…all of them.’
  • That baby in the checkout lane at the store today was a real asshole.
  • I’ve got to stop using the Women’s bathroom so much when I’m drunk.
  • You just don’t see kids rollerblading as much anymore.
  • I can’t believe how many episodes of 7th Heaven I’ve seen.
  • If Leo Dicaprio doesn’t get an Oscar soon than they’ve gotta have it out for him.
  • I’m still waiting on a great definition of dry humor. I think some mainly use it to convey “I don’t get it, but a few people laughed.”
  • My rage-filled reactions to buying gas and later seeing it down the road for two cents less are a bit overboard. Calm down.
  • They need to change the serving size to ‘1 sleeve’ for Thin Mints. That way when I eat them I feel better that I only had 2 servings. That goes for you too RITZ crackers.
  • I can’t believe how long I watched “We Bought a Zoo” before changing it.
  • To be a fly on the wall during the Ad meeting when they pitched the Tums jingle…
  • I can’t think of a time I didn’t lie about my flossing frequency to the Dentist.
  • That campaign “Click it or Ticket” somehow serves greater caution to me than if it were “Click it or Die.”
  • I miss the days when I was a kid and I could wear my Bengals jersey with mustard yellow sweatpants and cowboy boots just because I could.
  • …also those hilarious t-shirts that said things like “Radical” and “Force” on them. Or if it was a nice day I’d just pop on my Ninja costume because why the hell not?
  • The first time I hung out with my crush in Kindergarten her parents let her sleepover. What a slut.
  • There are only a handful of things worse than farting in the shower.
  • Girls and their giant sunglasses have got to stop. It’s making it increasingly difficult for me to decipher between who is attractive and who is 16.
  • I need to get control of my finances…

I was fast asleep seconds after that last thought.

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