It seems you can’t watch CBS anymore these days without hearing about old men and their flaccid penises. Well, where is the advocacy for the contrary? Because one of the unfortunate experiences of male adolescence and young adulthood is the high frequency of erections occuring for absolutely no reason. These are appropriately named No Reason Boners (NRB’s!) and the only guaranteed side effect of them is awkwardness. As men, we all look back to our adolescence and remember the challenges we faced. There’s nothing fun about walking down a hallway in between class trying to hide a NRB. Thankfully the technique of “where did I put that book?” as you rummage through your backpack held in front of your NRB was a failsafe and trusted friend. However we weren’t always that lucky. Imagine being at church and the priest calls all to rise, or a teacher asking you to stand in class, or meeting someone who unexpectedly comes to your desk at work, and various other situations where the need to stand promptly is forced on you like bad breath after Fritos. Immediately, in an effort to extinguish your NRB, your mind races through images of baseball, Adolf Hitler, Madonna flexing, and the troll from Ernest Scared Stupid. Attempting to do the ‘belt tuck and trap’ is out of the question because that takes time you simply don’t have. If the NRB is still present and the off-putting image scan didn’t work fast enough you are now forced to camouflage the protuberance by jamming your fists into your pockets and creating a mountainous terrain of projected bulges in the front of your pants hoping that people don’t notice that one of these bulges is indeed, a massive erection. Although this can be called out by an experienced NRB victim since you are likely doing that ass-out pelvic tuck stance that makes you look like you are trying not to urinate. This happens in various other situations where the prompt instruction to stand is given, such as:
- Any class you’ve ever had in High School
- Every morning when you have to pee most
- In the Pool, only when everyone wants to get out
- The non-speaking portion of your presentation
- Car Trips…yeah
Prilosec and Viagra have targeted their own bath tub sitting market. Although their commercials hilariously feature aging men piloting massive sail boats and muscle cars set ironically to the background tunes of the harmonica, one of the smallest instruments a man can play, I do understand the stress of diminishing testosterone as you get older. Those problems are unfortunate and nothing to look forward to, but at least the awkwardness of erectile dysfunction occurs in the privacy of your own home, as opposed to the NRB’s very public appearances. It just pops up on you in the worst of circumstances. Youthful males have their own problems and it’s alarmingly rising among us, all puns certainly intended.