Breaking News: July is Hot

It’s the middle of July so it’s that time of the year for network news to report that it’s hot. This is their top story. The production team gathered in a room to discuss the lineup and of all the pressing matters laid out before them they’ve gone with No. 1: It’s hot outside. Later in the broadcast assuredly will feature the much anticipated tips for staying cool. These will range from something as informative as “wear lighter clothing” to the always enlightening “make sure your air conditioning is running properly.” This is top notch stuff. Without this information I would have worn a wool sweater to cut my grass and kept my snow shovel on standby. Cavemen were intuitive enough to know how to react to changing temperatures, but it is still imperative the news report that cold is the opposite of hot.

Al Roker’s national forecast is always superbly helpful. He really hones in on what parts of the country are going to experience the worst of the heat with meteorological symbols of a smiley sunshine face wearing sunglasses and cartoon bacon cooking in a skillet. And I know we aren’t going to get any rain to cool things off because there isn’t an umbrella graphic in sight. I know I can depend on Roker’s forecast. Why wouldn’t you rely on a weatherman who spends 90% of his air-time kissing babies and exchanging G-rated puns and innuendos with crowd members holding birthday or bachelorette signs? You’ve got to hand it to Roker though. He certainly seems to be a genuinely nice and charismatic guy that brightens the spirits of New York tourists, but vague national weather reporting is as useful as subscribing to TV Guide.

I couldn’t imagine how clueless I would be without the news informing me that ice water is refreshing in the heat or having their field reporters interview citizens who offer insightful sound bites such as “Oh. It’s brutal. The morning wasn’t as bad as the afternoon.” And “gee, summer sure is here.” All of this dialogue has become so predictable. It’s as if hot temperatures are a seasonal thing…

In the spirit of offering helpful tips to stay cool I’d like to suggest a few unconventional methods for beating the heat:

• Drink a Zima.
• Wait for the Coors Light Train to arrive.
• Stand in a room with Hillary Clinton.
• Have a sixth sense for seeing dead people.
• Avoid water parks. The pools there are two parts bath water, one part mayonnaise and you’ll leave with Typhoid and someone else’s band-aid.
• Challenge rapper Ice Cube on who’s colder.
• Become a Nudist. You’ll refer to yourself as a free spirit while everyone else refers to you as gross.
• Heat a Hot Pocket per the instructions on the box, but only eat the center.
• For added shade to your patio, buy a SunSetter 1000*, making any home instantly resemble a motorized Camper.
  * ’Neck
• Crash a neighbor’s pool party uninvited. Just slip in with a tray of mushroom roll-ups and strike up a conversation about having someone come out and paint your shutters. After some neighborly small talk you’ve scored an afternoon of pool time and free beer.
• Join the kids in their water gun fight and mercilessly destroy them.
• As always, avoid Chris Berman. That always sweating gasbag is such a blowhard that even limited exposure negatively affects the ozone layer.

Stay cool. Enjoy the summer. Reports on how to stay warm will be here before you know it.