A Guide to Throwing the Worst Super Bowl Party Ever

What are you doing for the big game Sunday? You’re probably going to some lame party with a great TV, phenomenal food, and a fully stocked bar… boring! We’ve all been there and done that. Be original this Sunday and do something only a few have ever accomplished. Throw the worst Super Bowl party, ever.

Start by inviting way too many people (kids are welcome). Guests love not having a good view of the TV while those that do block the screen for everyone else. Hopefully there are enough girls there that don’t care much for the game and feel its okay to distract anyone they’d like to talk about how silly their cat can be. And be sure you don’t clutter the room with enough seating for everyone. People won’t mind not having a chair. Full grown men love sitting Indian style on the carpet until their foot falls into a coma. To save space, make sure the old tube is pushed all the way back to the wall as far away from the couch as possible. Keep it tidy and put away all your VHS tapes because I’m assuming since you offered to host, you have a dazzling 14” TV with a timeless VHS/DVD combo player built in. It’s the kind of television that sounds like a fart in a microphone when you press power. Make sure you have a blank tape in the VCR to record the game! And there is nothing worse than those darn commercials, so during them make sure you press mute to spark up a lively debate with your guests. I suggest politics or work, but I suppose the age old tendency to talk about your favorite Danny Glover movie will work for great topics of conversation (mine’s Operation Dumbo Drop). Anything beats those cheap tiresome commercials.

The food being served is critical. Because your New Year’s resolution to lose weight has not yet dried out, be sure to force your health kick on the rest of your guests too. You don’t need anything that’s going to sabotage your diet and they’ll be thankful you subbed out nachos, wings, and pizza for celery sticks and apple-tizers. While your menu is bound to your diet, you recognize that everyone needs a good beer for the game. So go out and buy a 12 pack of Foster’s. Sure most people will pass in bewilderment at your offering, but the two hipsters at the party will be thrilled as they snicker about how corporate the Super Bowl has become and how they preferred the XFL. The last rule on food: make sure you require everyone to eat only in the kitchen. Nobody likes crumbs in the couch so they will understand.

Fun Facts:
Lastly, find moments in the game to insert needless commentary. Here are some great tidbits that will surely educate and impress your guests. A little known fact that’s gone under the radar, but the head coaches of the Baltimore Browns and the San Francisco Football 49ers, Jim Harbaugh and John Harbaugh, are brothers! This will surely surprise everyone in the room. And did you know that Ray Lewis served as an inspiration for several of the plot lines in the Baltimore based crime drama, The Wire. And here’s one more for the road – a former member of Destiny’s Child will be performing at halftime and she is married to Jay-Z. Talk about a woman marrying into money. How lucky is she!? If the room is begging for football knowledge, be sure to bring up your old high school playing days and how it relates to the biggest event in professional sports. If anyone understands what these players are feeling, it’s you.

I hope these have all been helpful tips for throwing one awful Super Bowl party. Everyone else will be at the office on Monday with the same hungover, acid refluxed accounts of what they did for the game, but your guests will be referring to you with all sorts of animated and colorful language. It’s the Super Bowl. The greatest spectacle in sports. If you are willing to be bold and do what it takes to be an original champion, take your shoes off at the door and slap on your designated name tag… it’s time to throw the worst Super Bowl Party ever.

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