Coffee Dumps

There are few things more sudden and terrifying than the arriving sensation of a coffee dump. It’s more abrupt and intrusive than unexpected nudity while watching a movie with your parents. The vital and delicious morning liquid of choice serves as our beloved and inspiring friend early, but later becomes our sworn rectal enemy. Coffee Dumps traditionally occur at the office and the timing is always horrific. One moment you are typing a follow up email and the next… a sudden levitation of the hips in your chair followed by complete paralysis. At this instance the only thing that matters is avoiding preliminary flatulence. These are called poop contractions. These should not be taken loosely. If you attempt to carry on in any kind of conversation or focus on anything other than the contraction you will absolutely shart. Once the contractions subside you are now steadfastly determined on the walk to the bathroom. Even though your mind and emotions are moving rapidly, you move slowly and walk with a slight hunch forward because although you want to run, you know that too much limber movement could lead to something catastrophic. On this journey of what seems 1000 miles if it was a foot, it is probable you will encounter a co-worker who says hello (likely a Susan). You give her a little 1950’s postman wave and a gentle “Hi Susan” in an almost mute, uptight, high pitched tone as not to trigger any kind of muscle activity in your pelvic region. You are now in the home stretch. Open the door and lock those eyes on the floor to avoid any disruption by other co-workers in the restroom. Once they see this determination they will know what kind of trouble you are in as nobody is a stranger to the coffee dump. From here you will execute the Harry Dunn two-hand slide dropping of the pants and relinquish yourself in relief that the horror of the coffee dump has come to its untimely conclusion.

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