Bartender, There’s a Douche in my Drink


There’s something about assigning a crisp, articulate and apt “Douchebag” to a worthy candidate. It’s not nearly as profane as the long list of alternative insulting labels you can dole out to someone, but it sure does pack a punch. People know being a Douchebag entails a vast array of unattractive characteristics stirred together in one convenient delivery of two very hard syllables. If Douchebag was a cocktail it would be equal parts asshole, arrogance, simple-mindedness, Red Bull, and as much ‘Tool’ as the palate can take. There’s one other important ingredient I’ll add in a minute. That’s a lot of douche to fit into one glass. Like a So-Co Lime it’s the drink nobody wants – or they get it because some Douchebag bought it for them (they inexplicably love to buy other dudes drinks).

That being said, I’m surely not averse to being a Douchebag. I went to college so I’ve automatically been one before as indicated by my old collection of graphic t-shirts that celebrate things I had zero understanding of, an inclination to fist pump to Journey, and saying things like “let’s not talk about politics” as a way to open up a conversation about politics. And I’m still plenty capable of being one again because I, along with a lot of people have what you need to give a Douchebag cocktail its burn: Good ol’ insecurity. And that’s what makes calling someone a Douchebag so fulfilling. You’ve called them out for attempting to mask their insecurity by having a dick measuring contest with everything but their dick.

Of course a lot of cocktails are never just left alone. Bartenders will tinker with any recipe and serve up multiple versions. They can have different origins, styles, and presentation. This requires a specific classification on the drink menu so people know just what they’re getting. A Douchebag is no different. There’s a plethora of different mixes to choose from. Some of the more famous ones (but certainly not all) include:

The Meteorolodouche
The guy that hails from an area that experiences extreme versions of weather and boasts about it while degrading those that don’t. A popular choice among displaced Northerners who laugh-off snow storms as “a dusting” and insist (incorrectly) that ice is not a road hazard. Also popular with Southerners who feel they’re the only ones permitted to decide what hot is.

The Beatledouche
A person born after 1980 who discredits anyone’s musical taste if The Beatles aren’t their favorite band and who have somehow convinced themselves they’ve seen the original group live.

The Traffidouche
A blend of motorists who pretend to know every state’s driving habits even if they’ve never been there and those that complain that everyone is worse at driving than they are. If a driver in front of them fails to do something correctly, just wait for it: “Whelp, we must be in (insert state name here).”

The Trapsterdouche
Steadfastly believes there are only a few true brands of humor: Farting in public, degrading others (especially significant others), and men getting kicked in the nuts. His way into a conversation is by accusing his guy friends of “nursing that beer” even seconds after they get it. He typically prefers to go by a self-given nickname.

Abbrev. D-bag
Enjoys abbreviating everything he can in email and carries that over to his verbal dialogue. He has no issue with having an entire conversation with you without every looking up from his phone. His affinity for nicknames and acronyms and omitting conjunctions and pronouns leave most people wanting to take a Deuce on his desk while he’s on vaca b/c YOLO. That’ll make him SMH.

The Sorry for Partyin’ Douche
The alcoholic who screams at friends for not being drunk, always wants shots, and has an exact recollection of what he’s had to drink throughout the night, announcing it to the group like they’re holding their applause.

The Go-To Douche
The guy that still constantly responds with “Livin’ the dream.” On the off-chance he uses an alternate small talk go-to, it’s assuredly “If I was doing any better I couldn’t stand it” – both equally as infuriating. He is extremely boisterous even at 7:30am. He typically has a few extra pounds on him and makes an unreasonable amount of noise walking.

Fast & Furious Douche
Possesses a love for the Fast & Furious films (except for 3: Tokyo Drift).

The Ecodouche
Go Green. The only thing they care about more than the environment is looking like they care about the environment.

The Toddlerdouche
I hate to say it, but some little kids can just be complete Douchebags.

The IMDBag
More than 80% of their social contributions are made by quoting popular movie lines even out of context. These are mostly hilarious comedies that have sadly been beaten to death by repetitive references.

Chris Berman
Grade-A bag of douche. If he’s a cocktail it definitely has cheap tequila, starts bitter and finishes with a shower.

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