A Few Things to Tell My Unborn Son

I am nowhere near ready to be a Father for a lot of reasons, but there are certain things I hope my future child (assuming a boy) appreciates or understands. I’ve taken the opportunity to document only a few of my vitally important lessons and proper guidance.  

  • Avoid the grocery store on a late Sunday afternoon. It’s as close a representation of hell as there is on earth.
  • Never change the channel during an infomercial. They are always hilarious.
  • Always take the time to watch someone try to walk down an icy sidewalk. The beneficial outcomes are immeasurable.  
  • Never look down on anyone’s occupation. If someone wasn’t providing unenviable services, your life would get a little bit shittier (somewhat of a pun intended).
  • You can have an interest in Politics. Just know that the second you introduce those interests in conversation or any social platform, you will promptly be labeled a douchebag.
  • Don’t get too attached to your favorite athletes. They are one Thanksgiving Day car accident or inappropriate text message away from disappointing you. There are plenty of role models around who can actually be there for you. Your Dad comes to mind, hopefully.
  • Your generation will probably be told (likely by the man himself) that Chris Berman was an NFL/ESPN broadcasting legend. Do not subscribe to this. If his bombastic attitude wasn’t enough, he speaks in exhausting sentences that make you feel like you are about to witness a live heart attack on national television. He is also an awful commercial actor and wears ties that match the couch upholstery of a 1991 Florida condominium.
  • Use a coaster, dammit.
  • Don’t get too into beer pong. A game or two is okay, but your priorities should be elsewhere at a party. There is also nothing worse than the beer pong guys and their homoerotic celebrations.
  • There has never been a man who considers the middle cushion of a couch as an optimal place to sit.
  • If you leave a voicemail it’s because you absolutely have to and your reasons are given. If you left a voicemail only to say they should call you back, you’ve engaged in a social contract that allows the message recipient to punch you in the larynx.
  • Please don’t play goalie in youth soccer. I will be bored beyond belief going to your games.
  • If someone says they’re only going to have one piece of the pizza you are about to order, you tell them they’re full of shit.
  • Insider tip: when the kid on the bus asks you what the colors of the flag are, don’t say “Red, White, and Blue” …And is not a color.
  • Don’t do drugs. Drugs are bad.

Those are just a few for now. Luckily for you, I have a lot more to figure out before you come along.

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