NSA, You Have My Number So Call Me Maybe

The NSA is tracking my phone…and I really don’t care. You can call me naive or ignorant on matters relating to our government’s intrusion of privacy, but there are far fewer things I concern myself with than the NSA knowing I placed a call to my sister to wish her a happy birthday or that I called my roommate to see if I needed to buy milk. You know when I would be concerned about the Government monitoring my calls? If I was up to some shady shit. Fortunately for me I have no plans regarding threats to national security and it doesn’t bother me that a stranger working for my government monitors this as long as their intentions remain exclusively on our security. Even if they wanted to look at my texts and listen to my calls, which I’m almost certain they are not, have at it boss. You won’t find a worse use of your time. I’m an educated man and enjoy a sophisticated conversation as much as the next person, but doing that in my spare time on my phone would make me a bigger buzz kill than that guy who wants to show you YouTube videos during a party. I actually find it humorous if an NSA agent were responsible for briefing their superior with the information collected from my phone. I’d imagine it would look something like this:

NSA Summary for Michael Fox – Cincinnati, Ohio 15558373296-B:
Michael has 389 contacts in his phone, mostly friendly associates, but the overwhelming majority of his calls placed and received are with his Mother. His phone activity coupled with his age would indicate he’s in that generation that pretends texting is out of control and that they like old fashioned verbal communication even though their text frequency shows the exact opposite is true.

His text messages are utter nonsense. The trends we’ve collected on repetitive subject matter contain his hatred for ESPN’s Chris Berman, group messages where all participants are maliciously insulting each other and at the same time acknowledging they are best friends, quotes from the movies MacGruber and The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, way too much reference to barbecue spare ribs, and back and forth discussion with a friend named Dan about TV commercials featuring babies or talking animals with accents selling car insurance. Rarely are there messages providing or seeking constructive information.

The photos of him on his phone during social gatherings are that of a douchebag. He also has multiple images of natural surroundings, local buildings, friends, and hitches with truck nuts on them. He has only one video recorded and its 14 seconds of an intoxicated fat guy dancing.

His recent mobile Google search history includes:
1. Weight limit for Bounce Houses
2. One hangs lower than the other
3. How to effectively insult small children
4. What is a normal thread count for sheets?
5. Susan Boyle nude

From our probing we can assume at this time his threat level is negligible. Mr. Fox joins the millions of other free Americans who use their brilliant and resourceful technological devices as a means to exchange and explore needless information. To speak freely, there is real beauty in his right to do that and an iPhone peeping Tom he doesn’t know in Maryland isn’t going to make him feel uneasy about doing it. Also, MacGruber is a phenomenal film and Chris Berman is definitely an ass.